I have all of this energy and I cannot quite figure out how to direct it into things that are useful, but I am making progress on that.

i’ve blamed my year-ish long “downturn” on things like:

• Burnout
• ADHD
• Depression
• General life things that I will not get into

but things have been really turning around in the last checks notes month? two months? i got on adhd meds quite recently and they have like, been somewhat useful? i feel like i can do things in the morning now, which is huge really. liberating, perhaps. it is hard to read my own emotions but actions can be read quite easily.

and i have been doing actions. just yesterday i cleaned my desk all the way to wiping down the surface, disinfecting it, getting rid of old stickers on the desk and stuff, re-placing it all mindfully, making a cute little affirmations sticky note, stacking my meds up aesthetically so that i get reminded to take them in a way that makes me feel happy instead of messy. i did more but that is enough for now.

so like, i have energy but i still have adhd right? thats not going away. and i still have undiagnosed form of plurality that causes focus issues, unexplainable mood changes, general instability in any sort of planning, etc. i think adhd + (let’s just call it DID for now, though i suspect it to be more like OSDD-1b) DID combo in a sort of way that is confusing and not helpful.

i keep coming back to this sorta word, ‘metastability’. it was from a lily alexandre video. the idea that like you are in a stable position, but a slight disturbance could be the thing that knocks you off of that stable point and back into instability, or onto a new stable point, or maybe something new entirely. the idea that maybe you don’t have a true stability? a true normal daily life existance? is it okay to live like this?

this does not feel like a productive line of reasoning. … okay. well what i wanted to say with metastability is like, it is how i feel in sort of daily routines and such. with making a new journal. i could get into a stable point, but like one adhd disturbance or something could knock me off of that, and i would probably not be able to easily come back to that stable point. i would probably find a new stable— metastable point, new journal, new life organisation, new friends perhaps, new daily routine.

and i think that is okay. i think it’s fine for these things to be ephemeral. the measure for if it is fine is if you are happy and you feel productive if that is something you even want to be. if you want to be productive and you are feeling productive, that is good and you should keep doing that. but i don’t feel like being unproductive is some sort of immorality. i think being unproductive is fine. human, perhaps.

what if i am just fine hopping between these metastable points? what if that’s an okay way to live? people won’t tell you that of course, they will say that stability is perfect and good and what people should strive for. but like, why? what if that doesn’t work for me? what if it doesn’t have to work for me?

i think metastability and plurality are sorta interlinked. i think that plurality is sorta by definition being metastable between members (alters, headmates, whatever). i think that — at least this is what we sort of gravitate to — we sort of get into these 2-3 day long fronts, then switch out, live a different live, come back to an old life, maybe. it’s sort of hard to say because we haven’t been doing plurality consciously for very long (if that makes sense…)

every system is different and i can imagine that maybe some systems lead a truly stable life. maybe each headmate gets their own alloted time, maybe each member is fine being in the routine position of the other. maybe. i sort of doubt it for most, though.

Anyway, this is a long winded tangent. i think i am trying to highlight how hard it is to find direction? as in, direction where to put my energy. i am a powerfully high value vector and i am struggling to find where to point to, so over a long enough t i just sort of go around in circles. perhaps making it up +y for a bit, then down, then into -x, a bit far, circling back around into (-y, +x) space and living there for a bit.

i think the answer lies in clear manageable goals. and routine, to some extent. a flexible routine, that can withstand my metainstability. a schedule with just enough elasticity. a journal that does not feel abandonment when i part for a week. goals manageable for everyone, not just for me.

the answer also lies in constant introspection. checking in with our self, who we are, how tired we are, how accomplished we are feeling. meeting us where we are at. dropping something if a big mood change happens and we just need to do something else, but not letting that kill all motivation for the day. so, if we come down and have a massive downturn, don’t just watch videos all day, but watch videos and do chores with wireless headphones so that we can feel somewhat accomplished and helpful. if we get suddenly frustrated, maybe take a walk or go to the gym perhaps. if we are feeling overwhelmed, lie down for a bit, find some space, but try to come back from that feeling. try to look out for each other and not let each other fall into an audhd depression again.

this will surely take some time to implement. we need to be gentle, to be kind. this is the way.